Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Most families come home from vacations with nothing but some boring photos of loved ones and a lifetime of cherished memories. What if I told you that you could turn your future nostalgia into some cold hard cash? Or possibly a lukewarm check? Instead of reading those lame articles on in-flight magazines, you could be the one writing them!

Perks

Travel writing turns your plane tickets into metaphorical tickets to a career as an expert on world arts and culture! People will start asking you for hot tips on things to do in distant cities, and will assume you know what wine they should order with the fish. And if they don’t like your recommendations, they’ll think it’s their fault because, hey, you’re the one who gets paid to take vacations, right?

Where to Start

Becoming a travel writer is easy. Simply pick an interesting place on the globe, take out a second mortgage to pay for it, then travel there with nothing but your laptop, your wits, and possibly your spouse and children lest they think you’re merely having a mid-life crisis. Assuage their fears by telling them that you’re going to mid-life crush this, then hold up your hand for all the high-fives they will surely give you.

Strategies

• Even short trips can be fodder for your writing career. Your camping trip to a remote state park can take a quick three-hour detour to a Starbucks so you bang out a draft while your family stares their phones waiting for you to finish.
• Save all your receipts. Your expenses are tax deductible, probably, and receipts give you a tally of how much money you’ll have to make for this trip to break even. Wow, it’s gonna take a bit more than you thought! But that means you’ll have to get to take more vacations, where the money will work out better for some reason.

There are basically three types of travel article. Flesh out these rough outlines to create an article worthy of being briefly glanced at by business travelers at 30,000 feet:

1. Finding yourself. It’s only natural that, after graduating at the top of your class from an Ivy League university that you might feel somewhat adrift. So you travel to a far-off locale. Once there, seek out the peasantry there and ask to see “the real [city name].” This sort of cultured question signals to your guide that you want to experience more than can be found on some pre-packaged tour, and to any unsavory-types that you’re probably more valuable as a ransom than to simply rob you. If you play your cards right, you’ll experience a life-changing epiphany. Your guide will love this, as they have probably waited their whole lives to help some privileged American learn lessons about themselves that any reasonable person could intuit immediately. A year or two spent on the other side of the globe, eating local street food and dealing with the day-to-day realities of living there, can tell you a lot about yourself—namely, that it’s pretty handy to have rich parents.
2. Eating your way across the continent. Dish about the local cuisine found in various travel hot-spots. Ask a local where to find “the real [city name] foods. You’ll make them feel like an expert, which they’ll love. They may even let you buy them dinner for your trouble. Factor this into your budget. If you aren’t able to go abroad, the nice thing about this sort of article is that local food is found literally everywhere, and even the blandest meatloaf from the greasiest spoon in town can spring to life if properly seasoned with the right adjectives and superlatives.
3. Who would’ve thought that some !@#$% writing assignment would lead to true love? So there you were, hundreds of miles from home trying to write your fourth “finding yourself” article. You have to pee, and you ask a local where “the real [city name] bathrooms are.” One zipline tour, one white-water-rafting excursion, three wine tastings, two salsa lessons, and a dozen expensive meals later, you come to realize your guide is the love of your life. They accept your offer to take you away from all this adventure and romance to live happily ever after in a small two-bedroom fixer-upper in the suburbs. The two of you are now embarking on the greatest adventure of all—navigating crippling debt.

Embrace your New Lifestyle

Once your friends hear you’re a travel writer, be prepared to laugh at jokes like these: “After all that, you’ll need a vacation from your vacation, amirite? Hahahaha!” You’d better laugh, too; if you don’t, you’ll have to fill that vacation with writing assignments, too.

Travel writing lets you make a little extra money by filling your useless relaxation time with deadlines and obligations. If all goes well, your writing career will intrude into every aspect of your life.

Have tips on how to break into travel writing? Share them in the comments

You can’t seem to stay on task some days, right? With the Twitter and the Tinder and the Pokemon GO and such, who’s got time to actually sit down and write books? It turns out, you do. Yes, you. The only thing keeping you from writing your bestseller is literally everything good thing in your life that brings you joy. It’s time to buckle down and get serious. It’s time to tune out the noise. I’ll show you how.

Turn off the Internet

Shakespeare and Hemingway and Oates wrote some all-time classics and they didn’t even have dial-up. But you can’t merely turn off the Wi-Fi on your laptop. Your brain is far too clever for that; you’d simply switch it back on so you could “research” something, then next thing you know, you’re looking at the IMDB page for Howard the Duck. You must physically disconnect your modem, put it back into its original packaging, get in your car, drive it to a nearby and reasonably priced storage facility, and lock it down. It’s the only way. If you aren’t sure where such a storage facility is located, simply look it up on your Internet-enabled smart phone.

Stock Up on Provisions

Flow is a fragile thing, and you can’t risk interrupting it by grabbing a snack or refilling your coffee every two pages. Head to your local convenience store and grab two of every candy bar on the shelf. Make sure you have enough coffee to last you for at least six chapters. A little mini-fridge to keep sodas cold wouldn’t hurt. Gentlemen, those empty soda bottles are great for when the muse and your bladder are competing for your attention. For ladies, consider an empty coffee can.

Prepare your Writing Area

You know why big corporations stick their workers in drab, stifling cubicles? Because without any sort of ambience or atmosphere, supervisors can get much more work out of them. Now its your turn to be your own tyrannical boss. Remove attention burglars such as photos of loved ones, treasured mementos of good times past, posters that might motivate you, and anything else that isn’t a wall, computer monitor, or the cloud of desperation that now permeates your workspace. Look how productive you are! Too bad your boss is such a jerk. By the way, he wants eight pages on his desk before you clock out for the day, so get cracking.

Say No

You say you don’t have time to write, but you always seem to have time to meet your friends for drinks or go to your kids’ soccer games. Is writing your passion or isn’t it?! Your life needs paring down, so you’re going to have to turn down some invitations to do fun things. This will get easier the more you do it—your resolve will strengthen, and your friends and family will come to hate your guts. But it’ll all be worth it to see your book on the shelf of your town’s last remaining bookstore before it gets turned into a bike shop.

Research the Issue

There’s a lot of advice on how to avoid getting distracted. A quick Google search yields thousands of articles and blog entries on the subject, so it’s a good idea to get your modem out of storage again so you can look them up. Distraction is an issue for many writers, so the best course of action is to dedicate dozens of hours to reading everything you can on how to prevent it.

How do you eliminate distractions from your writing? Let us know in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Being on a panel at a conference or convention is the most exhilarating experience a writer can have. Simply nothing beats the feeling of having people treat you like an interesting, attractive, knowledgeable expert. Well, except money and fame, but don’t hold your breath for those, pal. I mean, come on!

If it’s your first time on a panel, it’s your job to make sure the audience isn’t bored. You can learn how to give good panel by following my easy advice.

What to Bring

• Your books. You want to show the audience the awesome works you’ve written so they can buy them. You should also bring a couple to put on your chair to make yourself taller than everyone else.
• Your own microphone. Pro wrestlers do this all the time. That way, the moderator can’t cut you off. Maybe consider some entrance music, too. Hell, just bring your own public address system, it’ll make things easier.
• A list of talking points you want to cover during the panel. Ideally, these will relate directly to the panel topic. Then again, ideally, communism is a viable economic system, so don’t be surprised if you have to force your diatribe about My Little Pony into the conversation.
• Snacks. Nobody has ever regretted bringing snacks to an event. If you’re feeling generous, give some to the other panelists. You can also bring some to toss to the audience during the boring parts–by which I mean, the parts when you’re not speaking.

What to Wear

• The branded logo T-shirt of a local business you somehow convinced to sponsor you. “Sci-fi Unicorn Detective and Murphy’s Discount Flooring—it’s a match made in Heaven, baby!”
• Sunglasses. Dramatically take them off several times during the panel when someone makes a particularly salient point.
• Elbow patches. Preferably on a sport coat, but it’s not like it’s a law or anything.
• Makeup. You’re basically on stage, so pretend you’re getting ready for your school play. Ladies, do whatever your normal routine is, just more of it to add some drama to your features. Gentlemen, use some foundation to even out your skin tone, and consider adding some gray to your hair to make you look more distinguished.
• Comfortable shoes. You’ll be behind a skirted table, so nobody’s going to see your feet anyway.
• Cutoff jean-shorts. Same reason.
• One accessory with a compelling backstory. Perhaps it’s a bracelet you inherited from your grandma. A ring that you acquired in a high-stakes game of baccarat. A necklace made of the finger bones of the person you won the ring from. It can be anything, really, so long as it makes a good story you can shoehorn into the discussion somehow. Find an item that’s cursed, if possible. 

What to Say

• The name of the city you’re in. This is a great way to get an easy pop from the crowd. “I think, a hundred years from now, Stephen King will be more well-known for his short stories than his novels. Isn’t that right…Raleigh, North Carolina?!” [pause forty-five seconds to let raucous applause die down]
• Trash talk. Remember, you’re the star of the show. That means you may have to take one of your fellow panelists down a peg or two. Choose one to be your punching bag and go after them. This is a great way to start a literary feud. If you’re the least-famous panelist, attack the number-two person; the top dog will appreciate you getting that puppy to stop nipping at their heels. In the middle? Take out the authors immediately more and less famous than yourself, in that order. If you’re the most famous panelist, I’d be very surprised.
• “Let’s do the wave!” Then start the wave.
• Updog. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you can updog one of the panelists, you are declared the winner.
• That you’ll be back next year. Won’t they be excited to know a fascinating panelist like yourself will be participating again? The expression on their faces might look like fear at first glance, but remember that fear is just an extreme form of excitement.

Have some tips on how to be a great panelist at a con? Share them in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

I recently read about The Most Dangerous Writing App, which, if you stop typing for five seconds, erases your work, forever. You thought you had deadline pressure? Buddy, THAT’S some deadline pressure.

I was so impressed by TMDWA, I went in search of other writing apps that inspire creativity through good, old-fashioned terror. Here are some other great apps that will help get your words flowing and your blood pressure skyrocketing.

• Your History, You’re History: If you don’t make your daily word count, this app will send your Internet search history to everyone in your phone’s contact list.
• Something Just Came Up: Once per week, you’ll have to work on your manuscript at the same time as an event scheduled in your Google calendar. Prove your dedication to the craft by skipping a meeting at work, or by missing your kid score a goal in soccer while your eyes were focused on your laptop. Even more insidious: Each word you type on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries counts double, so it’ll be REALLY tempting to write during those. If you fail to meet your session goal, you’ll receive a calendar invitation ominously titled “FUNERAL FOR THE DILETTANTE” scheduled for exactly one week later. You will try to RSVP “no,” but will find you cannot.
• Pop Quiz, Hotshot!: This Android and iPhone app will surprise you once a day by demanding you write 250 words. The good news: You have a whole hour to do this. The bad news: You’ll get locked out of your phone if you fail.
• Fail to the Chief: Step 1: Set your daily word count goal. Step 2: Write! Step 3: If you didn’t meet your goal, for every word that you came up short, the app will deduct one dollar from your bank account and donate it to the presidential candidate you hate most—it already knows which one because of your internet search history, which will be sent to that politician’s personal email address.

• Write Noir: Your typewriter can get in on the act, also. It’s true! Just hammer out eight pages a day on your trusty vintage Remington, and then stick them in the mail. Each day you do this, you receive an additional piece of the map leading to the location where your dog is being held captive.

• Fab Collab: Team up with another author! By syncing with your Facebook account, Fab Collab scours your network for your fellow scribes until it finally partners you with your old high-school buddy who posts all those racist Facebook memes.
• Microsoft Word: Fill a blank page with words or else stare into the infinite, maddening white void, all the while knowing that, either way, you’re destined to toil in obscurity, and die penniless, unmourned, and unpublished. An all-time best seller.

What’s your favorite writing app? Spread the word about it in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, songwriters, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

This week, American icon Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize in literature, becoming the first songwriter to win. But it shouldn’t come as a surprise; Dylan’s songs were poetry in musical form, and his artistic ambition inspired a generation to try to make the world better.

Dylan would probably have lots of good advice to share with writers, were he still alive today. However, his many interviews and the millions of words written about him are treasure troves of wisdom. Though his medium was music, Dylan’s lessons on craft are applicable to writers of all stripes. Here’s Bob Dylan’s most salient advice, in his own words.

On the Creative Process

• “Get outside. Get out into the world, man! You wanna read poetry, look at the stars. Light a candle and write under the new moon. That’s when The Operator comes to whisper the Secret Words to you.”
• “Writing a song is like milking a cow. ” [forty-five seconds of silence before he wanders away, his lapel microphone dragging on the floor behind him]
• “When I start writing a song, I like to put together a real detailed outline first. Then I hand it over to some freelancers I know from the advertising business, and they hash out the chords and the lyrics while I cruise down to the club for a quick nine holes. Much more efficient this way. Production is up 23% this quarter. The market needs product, man. Gotta feed the beast.”
• “No matter how beautiful her voice is, do not dare behold the face of The Operator.”

On Dealing with Writers Block

• “Promise yourself a reward when you’re done. I like to treat myself to some Mickey D’s after I finish up for the day. A Big Mac #1 combo, with a McFlurry for dessert, or maybe one of them strawberry shakes. Man oh man!”
• “Once a month, write a poem in blood. Use your own if you must.”

On Getting out of your Comfort Zone

• “I decided to go electric after I heard ‘Surfin Bird‘ in ’63. I said, ‘Man, that’s the ticket! If I could write a tune like that…’ I’ve spent half a century trying to write the next ‘Surfin Bird.’”
• “Those mystery books are fun. I’d like to write a mystery book sometime, except in mine, the butler really DID do it.”

On Collaborating with Other Artists

• “When I was in the Traveling Wilburys, I used to arm wrestle Jeff Lynne every morning for who got to drive the tour bus. Always loved driving those things. Cars would drive up beside you and do the thing where they want you to honk the horn. Beep beep! What a blast!”
• “B-B-B-BIRD IS THE WORD!”

On his Longevity

• “I have many horcruxes. More than you can imagine. That’s how the Traveling Wilburys started.”

What are your favorite inspirational quotes from Bob Dylan? Or are you one of those Philistines who say he shouldn’t have won? Share your thoughts in the comments section!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Do you really want to do this to yourself again? Don’t you deserve a break? Are you really doing National Novel Writing Month again?

Think of how much you could get done if, instead of spending the time hunched over your laptop trying to find the perfect synonym for “car,” you took up another hobby? Or learned a new skill? Why, I bet you could build a whole new house in a month! You could start NaHoBuiMo. It sounds no more ridiculous than its current nickname.

But you have signed up for NaNoWriMo again, just as I’ve signed up to give you another version of the NaNoWriMo advice column you’ve already absorbed again and again. We’ve danced this waltz many times, you and I, and we’ll dance it many more, no matter how often we step on each other’s toes.

So very well. Another NaNoWriMo advice article, even though we both know better.

How to Win at NaNoWriMo

Set a Daily Goal. Ye gods, that sounds just awful, doesn’t it? If you write a thousand words an hour, every word you type is about four seconds of your life you’ll never get back. That adds up to books that you won’t read. Reps at the gym that you won’t take. Hot wings you won’t eat. But you’ve already committed to it, haven’t you? Well then, sure, what’s a few more grains of sand spilling through an hourglass that only pours one way?

Give Yourself Permission to Write Badly. Permission! If only this slurry of used coffee grounds and wet cigarette ash gushing from your keyboard could be purified by merely withholding your permission! As if your wells of enthusiasm and inspiration had not dried up a week and a half ago, and you had no choice but to frack into the bedrock of madness. And not the beautifully tragic Sylvia Plath-style madness, either. You’re in the grips of full-on, I-dedicate-this-Monster-Energy-Drink-to-Odin type of madness.

Embrace the Community. Spend time chatting with your fellow suckers trapped in a hell of your own making. Your new friend Linda just told you this is her seventh NaNoWriMo in a row. You refrain from asking if she’s published any of them, and she offers you the same discretion; you both know the answer. And you both know you’ll be back again next year, doomed to wallow in your misery like you’re trapped in the Greek mythological underworld.

Just Write One Word after Another.  They say time slows down in a car accident. Every second feels like an hour as you watch the hood crumple into the starboard side of a Hyundai Elantra. NaNoWriMo is like that, except without the adrenaline rush or the insurance payout.

Persevere. The middle is the hardest part. Not just because this is where your story falls apart and you realize your protagonist is an unlikeable sociopath. But because you’ve passed the Point of No Return. To quit now would be to abandon almost three weeks’ worth of bad puns and lazy characterization. If you stay, you’ll crash in a fiery heap, but if you hit the eject button this close to impact, your parachute will will slow your momentum just enough to let you live through the experience of breaking every bone in your body (note: that’s a metaphor for regret). Just the thought of it makes you want to smash yourself in the head with your coffee mug, the one that says, “Writers Block: When Your Imaginary Friends Won’t Talk to You.” The mug won’t break, no matter how many times you brain yourself. Oh no, it seems to say. This month isn’t done with you yet.

Find a Reason to Finish. You’ve long since forgotten the reasons you started this fool’s errand. At this point, you’re running mostly on caffeine and spite. You hate your book. You hate your word processor. You hate the author of this column for enabling you. All of these are deserving targets of your enmity. Take solace that it may be enough to see you through to the end. If hatred was good enough a motivation for Darth Vader, it’s good enough for you, too. And on November 30, as you finish pummeling your book into existence, you will curse your own name loudest of all for putting yourself through all this again, knowing all the while we’ll both be doing this again next year.

Keep writing!

How do you power through NaNoWriMo? Share your advice in the comments?

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

New Year’s resolutions are for suckers. The problem with resolutions is that they’re unrealistic, and you have no structure in place to accomplish them. I’m here to fix that. This is NOT a list of resolutions. This is like what success coaches call your five-year plan, except it’s a one-year plan, so it should be a snap. Here’s a roadmap to making 2017 your most satisfying and productive writing year of your life.

• January: Begin the year with hope. Buy yourself a new calendar. The months are open and white like a snowdrift unbesmirched by footprints and dog urine. This is the ideal time to start writing your new novel! Set a reasonable goal and give yourself ninety days for a first draft.
• February: It’s cold. Start wondering how long until spring. Try selling Valentine’s Day copy to greeting-card companies. Send them a snarky card when they tell you they need their ideas six months in advance. Keep trucking on that novel, you’re two-thirds done!
• March: Send out some short stories to magazines. You should’ve been doing this anyway, but this is a friendly reminder to keep you on task. And this is a not-so-friendly reminder that you should be wrapping up your first novel draft, right? RIGHT?!
• April: Set aside the first half of the month to do your taxes for all the books you sold last year. If you didn’t sell many (or any) books, reserve this time for crying softly in the dark. You can spend the second half of the month finishing the novel draft you were supposed to finish in March.
• May: You’re not really used to planning things this far in advance. I mean, they could have flying cars and faster-than-light travel by then! There’s a good chance they’ll have a device that can extract the words for your novel directly from your brain.
• June: The rejection letters from those short stories you sent out in March should start arriving. Spend the rest of the month in an coffee-fueled anxiety attack and revise each piece until it’s barely recognizable. That way, maybe someday someone, somewhere, will finally love you.

• July: This is the time of year when your friends invite you and your family to spend a week at their beach house. Take a week off from work and enjoy a nice, relaxing vacation. By “relaxing,” I mean use every available second of free time to finish up that novel. When you get back to your regular job, you’ll be rested, refreshed, and most importantly, elated to get away from your book for a few hours every day.

• August: Like July, but hotter.
• September: Write a short story per week. Don’t worry about writing for a market or anyone else; this is straight from the heart, just for YOU. Be bold! Let your imagination run wild! Express yourself without qualification or judgment. You’ll have lots of time to feel shame and self-doubt next month.
• October: The leaves begin to change to a fireworks display of orange, red, and gold. Similarly, the pages of your unfinished manuscript are starting to yellow with age. The words go stale. You have an urge to simply toss them into the bonfire with the leaves you raked from the yard, the paper mingling with their tree-born kin. “You think you’re better than me?” the leaves say to the haughty pages. “Not so profound now, are you?”
• November: It’s National Novel Writing Month! Think how excited you’ll be to put off writing your other book so you can almost-but-not-quite finish another one.
• December: Okay, this is it. You’re finally going to finish the book. You say that every month, but you’re bound to get it right sometime. And on December 31, while your friends are engaging in banal tribal rituals like getting loaded and making out while watching the ball drop, you’ll be punching in the final keystrokes to your literary masterpiece. You want to celebrate with a drink with friends, but your invitation to your buddy’s party seems to have been lost in the mail.

What’s on your writing agenda in 2017? Let us know in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Writing for children seems like it would be easy, right? WRONG! Kids are smart readers, and you’d best not waste a single word when writing a children’s book. There are a lot of ways to screw up when writing your first book for children. Here are the five most common errors:

• Not reading children’s books. This seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be amazed at how many writers don’t read the sorts of books they’re writing. If you want to write for kids, you’ve got to read their books. Preferably, the copies owned by actual kids. You can check them out from the library in a pinch, but you’ll have better results if you steal them from kids’ backpacks or just grab one out of a kid’s hands and run away at a fast, adult pace. Only by examining which pages are smudged and dog-eared can you tell which parts get read and reread the most; only by gauging the volume of a child’s sobs can you evaluate how good the book is in the first place.

• A heavy-handed moral. Nobody likes lectures, especially children. If you want kids to eat their vegetables, you’ve got to add a spoonful of sugar. Basically, to get kids to swallow a story on the values of sharing, balance it out by showing the protagonist stealing a stop sign from the corner of Dakota and First Avenue.
• Being too prescriptive with illustrations. Illustrators are just as important to a children’s book as the author, and they have their own artistic vision; by spelling out every little detail for them, you’re just getting in their way. The best way to proceed is to simply illustrate the thing yourself. Remember the writing maxim, “Never trust to a flaky artist what can be done by a flaky author like yourself.”
• Lack of conflict. It’s natural to want to protect children from the cruelties of the world. But being overprotective deprives the story of conflict, which means there is no story. Let your characters shine by showing them navigating conflict and overcoming whatever the big, bad world can dish out. Show your protagonist dealing with the realities of getting a divorce, or losing all their assets on one turn of pitch-and-toss, or overcoming their addiction to prescription painkillers.
• Over-reliance on cute anthropomorphic characters. It is a well-known fact that animals do not talk or act or dress like people. This is what literary scholars and theologians alike refer to as an “abomination.” Our clothing is the main thing that separates us from the animals, and if children believe it’s okay for animals to wear people-clothes, it’s only a matter of time before Fido and Mittens try to file as head of household on their tax returns.

There you have it! If you avoid these mistakes, you’ll be on your way to publishing your first children’s book. And if the stars align just right, you can achieve the dream of every children’s writer–to have teachers assign your book in class, meaning kids will HAVE to read it.

What mistakes have you made when writing a children’s book? Share your wisdom in the comments section!

Let’s talk about your authorial autograph. You’re gonna sign a lot of books on your way to the bestseller list. But you can’t just sign your name like you do on personal checks and contracts, unless you want to be picking up a lot of your readers’ bar tabs. (If I catch you doing this, I’ll personally steal your identity just to teach you a lesson. I am strict but fair.) All your favorite authors have practiced their book-signing signature for years. You would be surprised by how many authors landed multi-book deals just because their signature looked cool. (It’s like five or six, which is still a lot for this sort of thing.) I’m here to share their signature moves.

Choose Your Weapon

Choosing the correct pen is half the battle, or at the very least, provides a great excuse to go to the office supply store. Sharpies are terrific for this. Make your signature stand out by choosing a color other than black. To really have some fun, sign your name in invisible ink, especially if the person you’re signing it for is giving the book as a gift. Ha ha, what fun!

Pen color isn’t all that important, though. Like a camera, the best pen is the one you have with you. And if you don’t have a pen with you, you’ll have to sign in blood, which is dangerous–more than a few authors have accidentally sold their souls to the devil this way. For that, you’ll want to hold out for at least six figures.

Where were we? Right, pens. Very, very important.

Practice Makes Perfect

Method 1: The Squiggle

The ink should flow from your pen like the wine flowed down your gullet when you wrote your book. I don’t mean that literally–we don’t want the pen to explode, you lush! Just put some oomph into it while you’re signing. If you do it right, your signature should match your polygraph readout when someone asks you how many books you’ve sold.

Method 2: The John Hancock

One of the biggest hassles for writers is to think of something clever to inscribe into fans’ books. You’re only allowed to use each phrase once, so if you write “Thanks for reading!” on someone’s book, you can NEVER write that again (at least, that’s what I tell my self when holding a cherished book that my favorite author signed JUST for me). Take a cue from one of our founding fathers by writing your name large enough to leave no room for anything else.

Method 3: Emojis

Skip letters altogether and make your name look like an SMS conversation about what you want for dinner. You could be a trendsetter. Spelling one’s name as a symbol worked for Prince, kinda.

Look, you don’t have to decide today whether you want to do this. Just promise me you’ll think about it. Actually, don’t; long, serious thought is the enemy of deciding on the emoji signature.

Multitasking

Whatever signature you choose, it needs to be something you can execute while chatting with whomever was nice enough to stroke your ego like this. Here’s a trick: Ask them about themselves to get them talking so you won’t have to. It’s much easier to sign someone’s books when you’re pretending to listen to them.

One Last Tip

You’re only allowed to inscribe your phone number into three cuties’ books per book signing. Any more than that looks desperate.

What’s your best tips for signing autographs? Let us know in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

We writers love our technology. The problem is, though, that the computers we use to write our works of genius are the same machines we use to waste time reading about celebrity antics and to yell at strangers on Twitter for having opinions slightly different than ours. Sometimes, pen and paper are the killer app (though pencils tend to be sharper). Today, we’ll be talking about how to turn low-tech into high productivity.

• The notebook: You can buy a notebook pretty much anywhere. However, why not get one of those leathery Moleskine notebooks? They’re handy, and they signal everyone around you that you’re a Writer doing important Writing Stuff. After two weeks, it’ll turn into a glorified grocery list, but that just gives you an excuse to buy another snazzy notebook.
• The pen: You’re a writer, so you’re probably already spending an hour a week pacing up and down the aisles at Staples, admiring the selection of writing utensils and wondering if anybody would notice if you slid one into your bag. Get yourself a pen whose ink flows smoothly, but doesn’t gush out like it’s a firehose. Gel pens are great for this. Avoid ball-point pens. There’s no joke here, those things suck.
• The Typewriter: The older, the heavier, the more beat-up, the better. The main thing is you want it to be LOUD; when you type, it should sound like an army of spooky skeletons are storming your front door. This has the added bonus of scaring away any roving bands of skeletons, who are very territorial and don’t like to move in on another skeleton gang’s territory.

• Some good-quality paper: Show people you mean business by buying some heavy bond in brilliant, gleaming white. Paper so white, it hurts to look at. Paper so white, it’s pronounced “HHWHITE!” Paper so white, if it gives you a paper cut, the cops will let it off with just a warning.

• One of those big writing tablets: You won’t be writing much in them, but if get an unwelcome distraction in the form of an acquaintance or family member intruding on your writing time, if you hold a tablet in one hand, pen poised and ready in the other, that is the international symbol for, “I’m doing a character study on you right now. Do you really trust me to portray you in a flattering way?” This will get them to either run for the hills, or to start heaping praise upon you about how cool it is that you’re a writer, so it’s win-win.
• A quill pen and inkwell (for advanced users): This is how Shakespeare wrote his sonnets and plays. You’re gonna look like a super-pretentious jerk, so you’d better bring your “A” game if you’re going to bring all this paraphernalia. You’ll also want to bring a roll of paper towels for when you inevitably spill ink all over the place.

Now that you’ve embraced your more primitive side, you know that you don’t need all that fancy technology to be a productive writer. It’s such a revelation that you should get your laptop and brag about it on Twitter and Facebook.

Do you prefer pens and paper to PCs and PDFs? Tell us about it in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

You started writing to create characters, not to hang around them. Didn’t you buy all those writing gadgets so you could be comfortable while avoiding other people? Nevertheless, being an author means you sometimes must leave the comfort of your writing space and face the trials and tribulations of human social interaction.

The best part of being a writer is being a part of the writing community. Lots of authors say this, and some of them even mean it. But like any community, you have to be a good citizen if you want the group to accept you. I contend that writers have a social contract, a set of guidelines, expected behaviors, and obligations writers are held to in order to create a thriving, vibrant writing community. These rules have never been formally written down, but we have all tacitly agreed to them as being effective standards of good behavior, and you disregard them at your own peril. As a writer, here’s what you’re signed up for:

• All that standard, boring stuff. You know, meet your deadlines, finish your work, edit thoroughly, blah blah blah. Ugh, are we still talking about this?
• Say thank you. Make sure to show your gratitude to people who help you along the way. Pro tip: a handwritten thank-you note is mega-classy and will make you stand out. These are also great for being specific about why you’re thanking someone. “Hey Bob, thanks SO MUCH for your thoughtful feedback that my protagonist is a little flat, which must have taken a lot of courage given that your own characters are more wooden than Noah’s Ark.”
• Moderation. If you bring the same story or chapter again and again to your writing group, people will think you didn’t value their advice the first few times. While this is true, you don’t need to be so obvious about it. Share a single piece no more than seven times.
• Don’t hog the spotlight at your writers group. There are other people who want to share their work too, so don’t be overbearing about bringing work to share. You shouldn’t get preferential treatment just because you’re hosting the meeting at your house and you bought the drinks and Chex Party Mix for the occasion. These entitled moochers are well within their rights to munch on your Goldfish crackers and drink your second-finest wine and expect you to critique a piece they obviously threw together in like an hour.
• Pay it forward: Critique other writers’ short stories and manuscripts. They’d do it for you, and it’s your chance to get even for all the bad things they said about your book.

• Buy your friends’ books. Buying a peer’s book is a sign of professional respect. Buying the cheaper ebook version is a sign of being a savvy shopper.

• No jealousy allowed. Celebrate friends’ successes! Rather than seethe with envy, better to remind them that without help from good people like yourself, they’d be nothing. NOTHING.
• Provide encouragement. Everyone needs a little pep talk now and then. Writers are bottomless pits of insecurity and neuroses, so be generous with kind words. Something like, “You know, you remind me of myself at your age,” or “Congrats on selling that story! You sure proved me wrong!” or “Sorry that editor rejected you. I’ve already sent him an angry letter on your behalf.”

Summary

By adhering to the writerly social contract, you’ll strengthen the entire writing community. The group’s success is your success. And the more you do for others, the more they’ll want to do for you. In short, the important thing is that you want to collect favors owed you like you’re Don Corleone. Then one day, you’ll have collected enough favors and become so successful that you’ll never have to see these people again.

What are the unwritten rules that you think should be part of the social contract for writers? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Choosing the right title of your book is harder than naming your kids. No matter how bad a name you give your young’un, family and friends will be obligated to love them, whereas a dud of a book title can junk up your sales figures and scare away readers for years to come.

Can the right title rocket your book to the top of the bestseller lists? I haven’t looked it up, but let’s just go with “yes.” Will these tips on how to craft a brilliant book title land you a huge publishing deal? I haven’t looked that up, either, so we may as well say “yes” to that one, too.

Choosing the right title is all about identifying the nine magical traits of excellent book titles. Basically, all of the great book titles have one or more of the following characteristics:

1. You can pronounce it. That means using words. Numbers are okay. Symbols or ancient runes are right out. You are allowed to use no more than two umlauts.
2. Not embarrassing to say out loud. Nothing sells like word of mouth, and nobody’s going to recommend a book to their friends if it’s called Comfy Coffins You Can Build Yourself.
3. Ladylike. Think The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl on the Train, and many more. The word “woman” is apparently not allowed in book titles, with the notable exception of Little Women, and even that one is basically a different way to say “girl.” Framing women in terms of proximity to a man is fine, though, as in The Pilot’s Wife and The General’s Daughter, or The Zookeeper’s Wife. You could score a two-for-one by writing a book called The Archduke’s Sister/Mistress.
4. Sopping wet. Bodies of water sound great in titles (Into the Water, Gap Creek, Cane River, and many more). Fully half the books in Oprah’s Book Club have to do with rivers, creeks, and tributaries. Personally, I prefer oceans, since they are by far the wettest.

5. Vaguely Biblical. Titles like Song of Solomon, The Book of Ruth, The Rapture of Canaan, Paradise, and The Poisonwood Bible stir up powerful associations with many readers’ Sunday-school lessons. Fact: The Bible is a public domain work, which means that nobody can stop you from writing a sequel, or a gritty reboot.

6. Numerical. Numbers imply sequentiality and significance. Also, it’s a little-known rule that if a publisher buys your book and the title has the number 1 in it, they have to publish the sequel.
7. Exactly what it says on the tin. Give your manuscript a title that tells your reader everything they need to know, like my upcoming work, The Ultimate Book.
8. Cheating. My novel, The Wheel of Death by Stephen King, by Bill Ferris, is sure to sell a gazillion copies.

What are your secrets to creating a dynamite book cover? Share your tips in the comments section!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Have you heard of Patreon? It’s a company that empowers crowd-sourced patronage of the arts, including but not limited to authors. By pledging monthly support at one of various patronage tiers, each with its own level of perks and rewards, you’re able to support your favorite writers directly. I have recently started my own, and it is my fondest wish that your patronage does not include me.

You may know me as famous author Bill Ferris. But I am also a single dad with a full-time job and not very much time to write. By supporting my Patreon, you’re just one more person for whom I must drop what I’m doing and cobble together your monthly rewards, which are terrible. Worse, this busywork distracts me from my main writing projects, to say nothing of spending time with my family or doing my mentally taxing day job.

However, it has come to my attention that you don’t like me, or are at the very least indifferent to my suffering. You are willing to prey upon my greed and bottomless need for praise and validation in exchange for a few lousy entertainments once per month, to diminishing returns. So be it. Behold, the instruments of my destruction. Do your worst, patrons.

Tier 1: Nuisance ($1 or more per month)

You believe you’re supporting me, and I know your heart’s in the right place. You’ll get access to my Patron-only blog, which is a thing I apparently have to write now.

Tier 2: Least-favorite Friend ($5 or more per month)

You’ll get access to my Patron-only blog, as well as a forum where you can ask me questions like I’m some kind of advice columnist, and I’ll be honor-bound to give you guidance of dubious quality. Think of all the things you could buy for five bucks–an ice cream cone, a magazine, a bottle of wine from Trader Joe’s; these are all things that could bring you joy without burdening me with extra work and without further raising your expectations, which I guarantee I won’t live up to.

Tier 3: Troll ($10 or more per month)

Jeez, you’re really serious about this, aren’t you? What do you actually think you’re going to get that’ll be worth $10? I guess I’m now contractually obligated to give you all the “rewards” mentioned above, PLUS the raw, unedited, poorly organized first draft of whatever story, novel, or essay I happen to be working on at the moment. (You’ll notice I capitalized the word “plus” here to imply this is not a perk, but a threat.)

Tier 4: Antagonist ($25 or more per month)

Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice you’d decided to contribute at this level, as I was busy playing catch with my sons whom, by the way, are growing up so fast and will not for long see the world through the innocent eyes of children. Welp, no time for that now, because I guess have to do a live chat/Q&A session with my $25 subscribers. During the sesh, you’ll get to ask me profound questions about writing that I will be ill-equipped to answer. You’ll get to see firsthand that I am terrible company in a group setting, an experience made all the more awkward over the distance of a Google Hangout. If you’re local, however, you can come to my house and chat face-to-face, at which time my children will personally spit in your beer.

Tier 5: Nemesis ($50 or more per month)

What is wrong with you?! You could subscribe to HBO and watch Game of Thrones legally and have money to spare. How do you have this money sitting around? At this tier, in addition to all the junk I’ve mentioned before, I’ll name one of my characters after you, and “you” will send you postcards from behind the scenes of the book. And you can better believe, you sadistic son of a bitch, that I’m going to subject “you” to a gruesome death for making me do all this nonsense. I dare you to support me at this level, coward. Come at me.

Tier 6: You’re the Devil, Literally the Devil ($100 or more per month)

If you’ve stuck with me this long, you’re clearly a sociopath, which I must grudgingly respect. I guess this means that after I send you all that other garbage I promised your less-evil peers, I’ll have to write you a bespoke piece of flash fiction every month, a format that’s short enough to churn out in a hurry but in which I have never sold a short story, so that should tell you something. And I’ll put you in the acknowledgements of my next book. There, I will acknowledge that you’re a cruel bastard who delights in the torment of others. I will put that on your conscience. I will put it on your tombstone.

Tier 7: Okay, Fine ($1000 or more per month)

You are a great person and I want to be your friend. You can come to my house whenever you like. You can spit in my beer.

Do you have a Patreon of your own? Do you use it to support other writers? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Wow, you’ve been asked to read a piece of your writing! In PUBLIC! This is a great opportunity to connect with new readers and your fellow authors, to say nothing of stroking your fragile ego and emotional neediness. Here’s how you can wow your audience and win new readers and maybe even get laid.

Before the Reading

• Eat a healthy and delicious breakfast that morning. Choose wisely, as this is what you’ll be throwing up later due to your crippling stage fright.
• Set the stage. Arrive at the venue early and get a lay of the land. Check if there will be a microphone or lectern or what-have-you. Look for opportunities for cool visuals, such as a blown-up picture of your book cover, or a big poster of your face like in Citizen Kane. Queue up some entrance music. Walking up to the mic through misty clouds from your smoke machine to the tune of “Rock You Like a Hurricane” will let your audience know that a serious author is taking the stage.
• Choose the right piece to read. You’ll want something people can follow without you having to explain a bunch of backstory beforehand. The beginning of your book is a good choice. An exception to this rule is if you’re reading the first chapter of a sequel–to make sure people know what’s going on, be sure to read the climax of your previous book first.

Take the Stage

• Own the room. This is your time. Remind people to turn off the ringers on their phones. Block the exits–nobody gets out of here until you say so.
• Remember to breathe. Big, deep breaths will keep you calm. Think of your lungs like a set of bagpipes–just a big ol’ sack of air that you need to keep inflated in order to make a droning, atonal cacophony.
• Slow down. Adrenaline can make you rush through a reading like a TV voiceover listing the side effects of a new weight-loss drug. Count to one-Mississippi at the end of each sentence. Count to two-Mississippi at the end of each paragraph. Three-Mississippi is for scene changes. Four-Mississippi is an experimental count that authors have not yet perfected. This is a lot of Mississippis to keep track of, so no one will judge you if you say them out loud.
• Remember to project. Speak with your diaphragm. Maintain good posture. Attribute your own flaws and insecurities to members of the audience. Can you believe you were intimidated by these anxious, conceited nimrods?
• Eye contact. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Basically, by making eye contact with your audience, you’re peeking into their house like a creep, so avoid doing so at all costs.

• Name drop the city/bookstore/establishment you’re reading in.

  This will cause an instant pop from the crowd, according to arena-rock bands and pro wrestlers. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you Writer Unboxed?

• Pause for thunderous applause from the aforementioned name drop.
• Leave pauses for all audience reactions. Laughter is the most common. Gasps are also great. Be ready to give the audience cues by arching your eyebrows or having one of those APPLAUSE signs that old-time TV shows used. Consider a laugh track, like on a sitcom. Don’t tell me it’s out of place; The Flintstones had a laugh track, and it was a damn cartoon.
• Enjoy yourself. Remember, the audience is there to have FUN. Encourage them to do The Wave. Bring a beach ball for them to bat around. During a scene break, lead the audience in a chorus of “Sweet Caroline,” bum bum BAAAAH!

Exit

• Give the signal. This is to let your friend in the audience know if they should call you with an “emergency” to get you out of there after things start to go south.
• Leave them wanting more. Stop reading in the middle of the last paragraph. Don’t even finish your sentence. It’s better to deci

What tips do you have for giving a literary reading? Share your ideas in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

The whole point of publishing a book is so that others will read it. The problem with people reading your books is that they insist on having opinions about them, rather than simply stating the objective fact that your book is better than the complete works of Hemingway and Rowling combined. Whether positive or negative, whether penned by a professional critic in a literary journal or hastily typed by some rando on Amazon, you’ve got to prepare your ego for how to handle book reviews. Here’s how to cope:

What to Do When You Get Good Reviews

• Celebrate with pizza and beer, or your preferred pie and carbonated beverage.
• Leave a comment thanking the reviewer for their time, attention, and good taste.
• Do a brag post on Twitter about how many great reviews your book has. Some people find this annoying. You can safely ignore those Philistines so long a your book averages 3.5 stars or above.
• Follow up with folks who left positive reviews when you release your next book. You know, just to let them know it’s out there.
• Ping those good reviewers to ask if they’ve read your next book, and if so, if they’d mind leaving a nice review for that one as well? And, by the by, is there anything you can get for them while you’re up?
• Follow up, and helpfully send them a list of superlatives that are easy to spell and very evocative of your book.
• Follow up again, including a sample review you wrote for them that they can just sign their name to. (It’s not plagiarizing, it’s ghostwriting.)
• Facebook-friend them, and nonchalantly ask them what they’re reading, *winky emoji*.
• Call them on the phone. I’d offer tips on how to track down their phone number, but if you’ve made it to this stage, I trust you’ve figured it out on your own already.

Hmm, something tells me this is a good time to segue into dealing with bad reviews.

What to Do When You Get Bad Reviews

• Okay, stay cool. This isn’t the end of the world. Believe it or not, you want to have a few bad reviews for your book. Seeing a book with nothing but five-star reviews is like the person in a job interview who says their greatest weakness is that they work too hard; it just seems fake. A few blemishes here and there, however, will make you look authentic. That naturally means that if dozens of strangers are yelling at you that your book is garbage, you’re just to EDGY for them.

• Remember, it’s natural if your feelings get hurt. You’re not weak, you’re just human. Take it as a lesson in humility and an excuse to crack open another bottle of Jim Beam. If you’re worried that drinking is just a way to hide from your problems, that is exactly the sort of problem that drinking will cure.
• Write your critics into your next novel, then destroy them. You can kill every last one of them in as bloody a manner as you like on the page, with no fear of repercussions other than looking like a passive-aggressive jerk. But beware making your books too gory, or you’ll wind up with even more bad reviews for your next book. (This is what’s known in the industry as a death spiral.)
• If you’re feeling especially petty—haha, I said “if,” lol—you can share someone’s negative review on Twitter and let your followers pick them apart like birds eating Prometheus’ liver. Of course I would never really advise you to do this. Not because it’s mean, but because you’ve already frightened away all your followers by bugging them to review your book.

How do you celebrate good reviews? How do you cope with bad ones? Share your experiences in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

It seems like National Novel Writing Month comes earlier every year. Target and Walmart installed massive displays of pencils, pens, erasers, and notebooks back in August. Barnes & Noble is selling coffee mugs and Moleskines like they’re going out of style (or going out of business). Literary podcasts have already started playing “One Million Keystrokes,” “I saw Mommy Kissing the Dropbox Gremlin,” and all the other classic NaNo carols.

I know, I know, NaNoWriMo has gotten way too commercial. But between you and me? I love that time of year when I don my fall sweaters and pull the ol’ blog out of storage so I can hang my humblebrag posts about my daily productivity. There’s also the ritual of pretending to listen to members of my writing group tell me about their WIPs. Or the bittersweet cancelation of a promising third date so I can stay home and write 600 words of dreck. Truly a magical time. That’s why I want to share these tips on how to navigate the hustle and bustle of every writer’s favorite time of year.

Don We Now Our Writing Apparel

Whether it’s T-shirts emblazoned with Shakespeare quotations or coffee mugs that threaten to write you into the author’s novel, all writing merchandise is designed to remind us of the power of words, and make us forget that a lot of writers spend more on merch than they ever earn in royalties. Much like the ugly Christmas-sweater party, there’s something edifying about getting together with one’s fellow scribes and feigning appreciation of trite T-shirt slogans like, “Writing is my superpower,” and “I write to give the voices in my head something productive to do.”

Start Your Novel Now

We’re halfway through September, which means it’s almost October, better known as Secretly Start Working on your NaNoWriMo Novel Month. You probably know it by its acronym, SSWOYNANOWRIMONNOMO (which, by coincidence, is also a curse in a long-forgotten tongue, so don’t say it out loud lest you fall into the dreamless sleep of a thousand years, which will wreck your daily word count). Here’s the thing: Nobody is going to stop you from starting your NaNoWriMo novel early. Yes, I know the NaNoWriMo songs and stories about what happens to early starters, but we’re adults here. We can admit that Halifax the October Hobgoblin won’t steal all the vowels from your keyboard; that the Dropbox Gremlin isn’t going to replace entire chapters of your book with its erotic haiku while you sleep; and that the Eternal Editor will not demand you rewrite the entire manuscript if you ever want to see your doggo alive again. These are just stories other writers wrote to try to prevent cheating and to maybe turn into mediocre children’s books. Just start your book. Nobody’s going to yell at you. We’d all like to believe Santa Claus is real and that we can write a publishable novel in thirty days. You’ll learn to live with it the same way you came to terms with the fact that your parents did all the work on your science fair project.

Get Those Inspirational Blog Posts Ready

A recent study showed that fully one-third of all words written during November are writing-advice articles for NaNoWriMo, probably. This tradition is as beloved as the school Christmas pageant or any given Charlie Brown holiday special. There’s no reason you can’t join in the fun as well by writing a few top-ten lists, inspirational articles, #amwriting threads on Twitter, and on and on. You could theoretically write a whole book of NaNoWriMo advice, but the Dropbox Gremlin would definitely mess with a project like that.

Make a List, Check it Twice

I refer to, of course, the list of excuses you’ll make when you give up writing your book after two weeks. “Things are crazy at work,” is an all-time classic, but for the last few years, I’ve been forced to use, “The Dropbox Gremlin replaced three of my chapters with erotic haiku.”

What are your favorite NaNoWriMo traditions? Let us know in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Recently, Twitter allowed some users to write tweets of up to 280 characters instead of the usual 140. Issues like harassment, online bullying, and potentially inciting nuclear war are important, but they had to wait so Twitter could make sure jerks like me would have more sand in their sandboxes, apparently. It is my gift, it is my curse. I take this responsibility very seriously, and I feel a certain noblesse oblige to help other writers who have been or will one day be granted this awesome power. If you’re an author, a writer, or just someone willing to visit this website and click the banner ads, it is your solemn duty to read this column and learn how to wield your words effectively in this expansive new landscape.

(Author’s note: If you’re one of the unwashed still pecking out your book promotions and Twitter pitch contests 140 characters at a time like a caveman chiseling into a stone tablet, I’m sorry that I have nothing for you today. You’ll have to make do with my previous Twitter columns; I stand by what I wrote back then, but now that I’ve seen the 280-character future, my mind has been opened to the thrilling possibilities of the universe, like in that expanding-brain meme (if you don’t know what that is, then you definitely don’t have 280-character Twitter)).

• Lord it over everybody. No one knows how Twitter decided whom to bless, but one thing is obvious: Those fortunate few produce the most valuable #content on the internet, and should be shown the same deference extended to your average princess or archduke. I was selected as one of the fortunate few, and if you think I’m here to gloat, you’re correct. Demand that respect from others, and show it to those who are also gifted. (A great way to show that respect is to send them a tiny coffee payment at the bottom of their article.)

• Acres of white space. In graphic design, one of the most important elements is white space. If you want your words to stand out, you need to clear the stage for them. Think of your tweets like a lawn. The lawn was invented by rich folk who took perfectly good farmland and used it for nothing but giving jealous neighbors something to drool over. So it is with your 280 Twitter characters—you don’t want to use them all on letters, numbers, and emojis. You’ve got to do something like this:

I may have just killed one of my favorite characters today :(

                                         #amwriting

-fin

• Use lots more hashtags. All that extra real estate means that you can do #onelinewednesday, #amwriting, #amediting, #pitmad, and #writinglife in a single tweet, with room left over to tag the Twitter accounts you set up for all your characters.
• Take a ride on the omnibus. Combine several of your already-published tweets into a single tweet. Congratulations, you’ve just published your first short story collection!
• Add a signature. Like you do with your email. You can put your email address, Amazon links, and that all-important confidentiality notice that this tweet is  is intended only for the named recipient(s) on your followers list and is covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act 18 U.S.C. Section 2510-2521.
• Sell ad space. Monetize those extra characters by selling some of them. I’ve tried it, and it’s great—almost as great as two medium Domino’s pizzas for $12.99, carryout only.
• Make stronger, more meaningful connections with other writers. Before, we barely had space to introduce ourselves and fawn over our favorite authors’ Twitter accounts before we’d run out of characters. Now, we can connect on a deep level.

• • Old way, 140 characters: U up???
  • New way, 280 characters: My dearest Catherine, The indications are very strong that the haters shall overtake me in a few days — perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to tweet again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more. #writerproblems

And finally, now that you know all my secrets, you can write your own writing-advice column about how authors can use 280 characters. With all that extra Tweeting space, you can practically fit it into a single tweet.

How are you planning to use your 280 characters on Twitter? Share your ideas in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Whether you’re working on a short story, charging through NaNoWriMo, or writing the very article you are reading right now (that one only applies to me), you’ve got to find a way to motivate yourself to finish it. Some days, the words flow from your fingers like water. Other days, they—ooh, look, somebody posted a picture of their dog on Facebook! If you’re feeling burned out, I’m here to help you get fired up to get back to work.

1. Set a regular schedule. To paraphrase Stephen King, the muse will visit you more often if she knows where to find you. Set a regular writing time for yourself. It makes the joy of creating new worlds and characters as much fun as a day at the office or going to school, except you’re doing it at 5 in the morning. (Though some people prefer evenings, when they’re already exhausted from their other responsibilities.)
2. Jog your memory. Read what you wrote yesterday and challenge yourself to do even better today. Based on the fact that you’re reading an article on self-motivation, surpassing yesterday’s output should be a pretty easy bar to clear.
3. Rekindle the romance. There’s something you loved about this project that made you want to exchange all of your free time for it, right? Think of your writing time like a date with your special someone. True, sometimes it feels like you’re dating a cruel taskmaster who inflicts constant pain on you, but some folks pay professionals lots of money for that type of experience.
4. Misery loves company. There’s a Swedish proverb that says, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.” Challenge others to a writing dash and see who’s the fastest to 500 words. Or, just for fun, each of you tells the other what you’re working on, then you try to write a scene in the other person’s book. Oops, you only wrote 300 words for the other person when they wrote 1,500 words for you. You’ll make it up to them next time, which might not be for a while, you’ve been pretty busy lately.
5. Revenge. Use your writing time to enact your petty revenge fantasies. Is it small of you to write a thinly veiled version of your boss getting into a fatal car wreck the day after your mediocre performance review? Hard to say. Better blow up their car too, just to make sure.

6. Get a writing coach. Pay someone to literally stand behind you and whack your head with a ruler if you stop typing for more than ten seconds. Click this link for the name of someone who will do this for a reasonable fee.

7. Change things up. Shaking up your routine can jog your creativity. Go to a coffee shop. Buy a new notebook. Get a haircut. Grow a beard. Move to a distant town by the seaside. Change your name. If you can no longer recall the name of your childhood best friend, you’ll know you’re ready to write that next chapter.
8. Eliminate distractions. Unplug your WiFi router. Turn off all the lights in your house. Literally glue your pants to your chair. You can’t escape this prison of keystrokes you’ve constructed for yourself. If all else fails, you can write yourself a ransom note.
9. Set a timer. See how many words you can write in an hour. You can keep a spreadsheet on your daily word count so you can try to beat it each day. Resist the urge to create a separate spreadsheet of all the TV and snacks you could be consuming instead. The urge will be powerful, but you can do it!
10. Keep your eyes on the prize. Like the proverbial idiot who keeps hitting himself in the head with a hammer, think of how good you’ll feel when you’re done. You can scale this up to your entire writing career, too—writing is a life-long pursuit, and every day is another hammer blow, until one day, all those knocks to the skull will take their toll and you can finally stop forever. Just imagine how great that will feel!

Do you have secrets to self-motivation? How has this article helped motivate you to write more? Let us know in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

Writing has lots of rewards, most of which are worthless. You can’t pay rent with critical acclaim, nor will contributors’ copies finance your office-supply addiction. But as far as non-monetary rewards go, what’s more satisfying than giving a thoughtful present to your fellow authors? The ones who hated your latest manuscript, or the folks who have gone on to secure agents or sign deals or make a mint through self-publishing while you have to buy more Gmail storage space to fit all your rejection letters? Yes, some thoughtful gifts for these folks would feel fantastic, especially when you know how…helpful these gifts could be for them.

Here’s a few ideas:

• For an unpublished writer: A new display shelf where they can put all their publications. Let the shame of an empty shelf motivate them to succeed! When this shelf inevitably becomes cluttered with junk mail and their kids’ homework, clear it off for them and say, “Got to leave space for all those best-sellers and cult classics!” Cost: $50
• For your insecure friend: Breath mints, especially if they don’t need them. Cost: $2
• For your hipster friend who still writes with a typewriter: A truly hideous paperweight for all their typed pages. Every time they feel the joy of completing another page, they’ll have to look at the ceramic monstrosity you gave them, thus slowing their momentum the tiniest little bit. Be careful, though—if it’s too ugly, your hipster friend will think it’s cool. Cost: $20
• For someone racing to meet a deadline: Reserve space at your local bookstore for their book release party at the earliest possible release date. Mention that, to get the room, you had to promise at least fifty people would show up. Get a caterer, and put down a substantial deposit. You’ll be able to see your reflection in the sweat forming on your friend’s brow. Cost: $500

• For your friend who has writer’s block: The complete works of Stephen King. See, it’s just a matter of applying yourself and managing your time and prioritization. If they could just get their act together, they too could write a hundred-odd books. Cost: Like a thousand bucks, probably.

• For your friend who just got a book deal with a big advance: Your bar tab the next time you go out. Cost: $0
• For your editor: A dried-up red pen, which they should use when marking up your latest manuscript. Cost: $0 for the pen, $40 for the bespoke wooden box you’ll store it in.
• For everybody else: Lots of books. In Iceland, they have Jolabokaflod, or the “Christmas Book Flood,” where people give each other books. Books are a meaningful gift, and a great way to send a message that someone needs to be more productive, ditch that dead-end job, or to stop sucking in general. There’s no habit so annoying that you can’t cure with a thoughtfully given book. They’ll be inspired to overcome any bad habit, or they’ll be so annoyed with you that you’ll never see them again. Cost: $60

As you see, you can experience the holiday joy of knocking your friends down a peg or two for only a couple thousand bucks and all of your human relationships. Merry Christmas, everyone!

What’s the most passive-aggressive gift on your shopping list this year? Let us know in the comments!

Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.

The first chapter of a novel determines whether readers will stick with you or throw your book across the room. And don’t think they’ll give your next book a chance if they thought the first one sucked. I guess you could say that Chapter 1 will literally make or break your entire writing career, and anything less than perfection will ruin your chances of publication. Here’s how you can write a flawless first chapter.

• Raise the stakes. I mean for you, personally. I wasn’t kidding when I said this chapter could earn you fame and fortune, or sabotage your whole career. Now, check your heart rate. Place a postage stamp on the back of your neck. If it absorbed enough flop sweat that you can stick it to an SASE, your mind is ready to start writing. It’s not desperation, it’s INSPIRATION!
• Introductions. It’s time for your readers to meet your characters. Where do they work? What are they wearing? What’s their favorite food? What are their crippling insecurities? What do they want? This information is all just preamble to the burning question all readers have: Are they now, or have they ever been, a member of the Communist party.
• Promises, promises. A first chapter is about making promises to the reader—about characters reaching their goals, about guns on the mantlepiece that will be fired in Act III, about murders that will be solved, about romances that will come to fruition. Readers are busy, and they just got new books and video game systems for Christmas, so if you want them to make time for your book, you’ve got to promise them the moon, the stars, and a space ship to take them there. It’s okay if you have no idea how you’ll keep those promises. You’re a writer, after all, and by your very nature you’re good at making crazy promises you have no hope of keeping. That’s a problem for Future You, who will despise Present You for painting them into a corner like that. But that’s a problem for another day!
• What’s your type? There are two types of stories: A person goes on a journey, or a stranger comes to town. That’s it. Those are the only two possibilities. Declare your allegiance in the very first paragraph or we’ll know you’re an amateur.
• Product placement. Mention your protagonist’s favorite soda or what car they drive. This will pay off down the road with lucrative endorsement deals when they make a movie of your book.
• Setting. Don’t go overboard and bore us by describing every knob on your kitchen cabinets. Set the scene by focusing on a few punchy details, such as the dining room table made from reclaimed poplar from Grandad’s old barn, or the recycling bin overflowing with empty cans of delicious Coke Zero.

• Your character’s backstory, family history, and personal worldview. No, I’m not suggesting you stop the action of your story and insert a dreaded infodump. On the contrary, you can imply all of this information efficiently by mentioning that character’s zodiac sign and 23 and Me results.

• A mysterious letter. What could it be? Who is it from? This letter, still unopened, can be your escape hatch if your story takes a wrong turn and you need an instant plot development. Is it a treasure map? A letter from a long-lost love? The possibilities are—oh, it’s an offer to refinance your mortgage.
• A spooky ghost. Ghosts are all around us at all times. You don’t have to include them on the page, but neither you nor your characters should forget that they are there in your story. Watching. Waiting. This applies to spiders, too.
• A subliminal message. Get inside virtually everyone’s mind, enabling mentally optimized, neurally encoded yarns.

If you include all of these elements, you’ll have everything you need for a dynamite first chapter. If you thought this was fun, just wait until it’s time to write the ending, where all the choices you made in Chapter 1 must come to fruition or else the hundreds of hours of writing that preceded it were all for nothing. I bet you can’t wait!

What’s your secret to writing a killer first chapter? Share your advice in the comments section!